Critique My Pitch! :)

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I’m participating in a pitch contest! :) Whether you are a part of this contest or not please feel free to read it and let me know what you think about it! :)

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Dear Agent,

When an evil witch deceives young men and manipulates them to do her will, the king calls on Dustin. The talented young orphaned warrior sets out to protect the king’s unborn grand-children, whose hearts would make the witch undefeatable. On his journey to find the king’s daughter, he is kidnapped by a stranger with a dark secret and together they are thrown into a game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grand-children and restore the land and it’s people.

My edgy young adult novel The Mason of Hearts, will appeal to readers of both fantasy and paranormal. I hold a B.A. in English/Mass Communications and a Certificate in Publishing. I have a good online presence and founded a writing blog for writers called Blue Monkey Writing and have also guest blogged for “Write It Sideways”, “Writing Forward”, and countless other writing blogs.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Thank You,

Devin Berglund

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2nd pitch (same story)

Dear Agent,

The king calls upon a young, orphaned warrior named Dustin to protect his unborn grandchildren, as an evil witch manipulates and deceives some young men and one of whom, unbeknownst to Dustin, is his long-lost brother. The king’s unborn grand-children’s hearts would make the witch undefeatable. During Dustins’s quest to protect the king’s daughter, and her unborn twins. He is captured by a stranger with a dark secret. An unlikely bond forms between the two as they enter a game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grandchildren and to restore a lost kingdom to its people.

My edgy young adult novel The Mason of Hearts, will appeal to readers of both fantasy and paranormal. I hold a B.A. in English/Mass Communications and a Certificate in Publishing. I have a good online presence and founded a writing blog for writers called Blue Monkey Writing and have also guest blogged for “Write It Sideways”, “Writing Forward”, and countless other writing blogs.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Thank You,

Devin Berglund