~ Updated Pitch for Critique ~

 

Hello Everyone,
I am taking part in a Pitch Contest!

I recently posted my pitch up yesterday to be critiqued and I got a few suggestions and such for edits. I went through them and worked on the pitch some more. I narrowed it down to one now… let me know what you think and if there are any other spots that I could improve it. Thank you,

Devin

Dustin starts training with his uncle to become a Preventer of sinister things, while a maleficent witch begins a revolt. The king fears for his daughter and unborn grandchildren’s lives so he calls upon Dustin to protect them as their hearts would complete the witch’s collection which is kept in her necklace – the mason of hearts, which would make her undefeatable.

Dustin is captured by a stranger with a dark secret – an affectionate bond forms between the two, and they must enter the witch’s game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grandchildren and to refresh the people’s lives or many will die, including him.

6 thoughts on “~ Updated Pitch for Critique ~

  1. What is Dustin? Instead of using his name, tell me what he is. Such as:

    A young boy protects the hearts of a kingdom from a witch – who will destroy them and claim their hearts for her collection. The Mason of Hearts would give the witch unlimited power and throw the world into darkness. All that stands between hope and chaos, life and death is a young boy and a mysterious stranger with secrets of his own.

    Less details – but some details mean little until you’re actually reading the story. So bare bones it. Good luck!!

  2. This reads more like a short query than a pitch. It’s too long, though it does sound interesting, and there are too many details. You can cut out the second paragraph entirely.

    What are the “sinister things” Dustin prevents? Ghosts, werewolves, and vampires?

    You could pretty much boil down everything into this one sentence:

    Dustin, a Preventer of sinister things, is called upon by the king to protect his daughter from a maleficent witch who needs her heart to spur a revolt.

    For the rest of the pitch, I would focus on why protecting the princess will be a challenge for him and what he has to give up in order to save her. You could also include why he wants to save her; is it just for the money, or something more?

    • Thank you for your ideas and thoughts. They really help me see what my readers may or may not be seeing… Totally helps to have other eyes look over the pitch!

      Oh, and I am glad you think it sounds interesting!

  3. Hi Devin,

    Sorry I’m hopping blogs so late, due to overseas technical issues, but I hope this still helps.

    I think your pitch shows that the story is promising, but you need to entice the reader some more with powerful imagery and wording. It’s also not clear why Dustin is chosen by the King and what exactly Dustin’s uncle is (a mage? a wizard?).

    You can still simplify and shorten this to something like:

    Dustin, an apprentice wizard, is chosen by the king to save his daughter and her unborn children from the schemes of a witch (etc.). Dustin is captured by a stranger with a dark secret, and they join forces to….

    I hope that helps. Please do drop by my blog and critique my pitches too.

    Cheers
    Cat

    • No worries! I feel I have been a bit late as well! I will be sure to visit your blog tomorrow and to look at your pitch! Where about overseas are you? I am currently in Australia… (from Minnesota)
      I am glad that you think my story sounds promising! :) Thank you for pointing out that I need to show more why Dustin was picked… it hadn’t even crossed my mind. I guess you get so accustomed to your work that you look right over things thinking that your readers will know everything already! lol… :)

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