Updated Pitch – Critique

Beautiful area of England called theLake District!My pitch has transformed every time I have posted it up. I am really thankful for all of you for looking over it and everything. I am posting it up one last time, below. Please take a look at it and let me know what you think? Is it clear? Does it make sense? Would you want to read it? Hope you enjoy it! 

A maleficent witch kills many of the Preventer warriors, beginning a rovolt. Dustin, one of the last Preventers starts training when the King calls upon him to protect his daughter and unborn grand children. The witch adds hearts to her collection in her necklace and uses the gifts and talents of those the hearts belonged to– her necklace The Mason of Hearts, when filled with the most powerful and innocent of hearts would give her unlimited power to manipulate the world.Dustin is captured by a stranger with a dark secret – an affectionate bond forms between the two, and they must enter the witch’s game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grandchildren and to refresh the people’s lives or many will die, including them.

~ Updated Pitch for Critique ~

 

Hello Everyone,
I am taking part in a Pitch Contest!

I recently posted my pitch up yesterday to be critiqued and I got a few suggestions and such for edits. I went through them and worked on the pitch some more. I narrowed it down to one now… let me know what you think and if there are any other spots that I could improve it. Thank you,

Devin

Dustin starts training with his uncle to become a Preventer of sinister things, while a maleficent witch begins a revolt. The king fears for his daughter and unborn grandchildren’s lives so he calls upon Dustin to protect them as their hearts would complete the witch’s collection which is kept in her necklace – the mason of hearts, which would make her undefeatable.

Dustin is captured by a stranger with a dark secret – an affectionate bond forms between the two, and they must enter the witch’s game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grandchildren and to refresh the people’s lives or many will die, including him.

Critique My Pitch! :)

Critique My Pitch!! :)

Photo Credit : Pinterest

I’m participating in a pitch contest! :) Whether you are a part of this contest or not please feel free to read it and let me know what you think about it! :)

****

Dear Agent,

When an evil witch deceives young men and manipulates them to do her will, the king calls on Dustin. The talented young orphaned warrior sets out to protect the king’s unborn grand-children, whose hearts would make the witch undefeatable. On his journey to find the king’s daughter, he is kidnapped by a stranger with a dark secret and together they are thrown into a game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grand-children and restore the land and it’s people.

My edgy young adult novel The Mason of Hearts, will appeal to readers of both fantasy and paranormal. I hold a B.A. in English/Mass Communications and a Certificate in Publishing. I have a good online presence and founded a writing blog for writers called Blue Monkey Writing and have also guest blogged for “Write It Sideways”, “Writing Forward”, and countless other writing blogs.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Thank You,

Devin Berglund

___________________________________

2nd pitch (same story)

Dear Agent,

The king calls upon a young, orphaned warrior named Dustin to protect his unborn grandchildren, as an evil witch manipulates and deceives some young men and one of whom, unbeknownst to Dustin, is his long-lost brother. The king’s unborn grand-children’s hearts would make the witch undefeatable. During Dustins’s quest to protect the king’s daughter, and her unborn twins. He is captured by a stranger with a dark secret. An unlikely bond forms between the two as they enter a game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grandchildren and to restore a lost kingdom to its people.

My edgy young adult novel The Mason of Hearts, will appeal to readers of both fantasy and paranormal. I hold a B.A. in English/Mass Communications and a Certificate in Publishing. I have a good online presence and founded a writing blog for writers called Blue Monkey Writing and have also guest blogged for “Write It Sideways”, “Writing Forward”, and countless other writing blogs.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Thank You,

Devin Berglund

A pointy hat + magic wand + flying broom = A Cliche Witch

Halloween is coming upon us soon. I have been writing and searching for jobs lately – so, I haven’t been able to update my blog and actually write something other than the contest updates for the October short story contest here. But today, I want to write about something that has been on my mind a lot lately… During Halloween you see them dressed with pointy hats. They are flying on brooms with their black cat side-kick and are yielding a magic wand. We see them having warts on their faces like the witch in the cartoon Snow White. And others we see with completely green faces like in The Wizard of Oz. 

Thinking back as far as I can to my first few Halloween’s I know I’ve always been fond of the story idea of witches. It makes me think of the many years I dressed up as a witch for Halloween and went door to door on crisp October evenings with my brother, sister and our friends. Ah, what a fun time… wish I could go back to that and relive it.

I don’t believe in ‘real’ witches who are practicing things in the occult. But, I do find something mysterious and lovely about the fantasy stories involving witches (a completely different thing than those in real life.), but only when they are done well.

Witches are over rated usually – just like vampires in the latest vampire hype. (and to tell you the truth… I hate that… I hate that some authors copy the author who came up with the idea and then afterwards you see a bazillion like-twilights or like-harry potters or like-50 shades. Like really, what happened to originality?)  I know there are a few well done examples where writers have actually done extremely good jobs.

I want to be like that – to break the cliche witch that many stories have. And instead bring to life some crazy unique witches that have a spell-binding story in the air that they breathe, causing readers to love, but hate them at the same time.

In my novel The Mason of Hearts, There are  three witches. These three girls are all quite different, but yet are all in it together. Three sisters start out their journey innocently.

One thing I have found tricky while writing my witches to life is dealing with today’s story witches. The magical powers that you find all over fantasy stories from Disney, The Sword in the Stone, and even Harry Potter.

Finding an actual model of this type of witch is hard to do.

Two witches done well – Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter and The White Witch from The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe. Those are the two witches I think that actually spell-bind their readers in the way that I want to do to my readers. I think they were written wonderfully. Another one that I can think of is the head witch from Roald Dahl’s book The Witches. She frightened me so much as a child.

Photo Credit : Ebay

While writing the witches in my story I want to create something that hasn’t been done before.

I want to make them out side of the box witches unlike any others.

I don’t want their powers to be repeats of the authors before me. I don’t want to use the witch that makes all enemies weapons steaming hot or the witches that melt after water is put on them. I want them to stand out. Just as Bellatrix and The White Witch stuck out to me.

  1. Do any of your stories involve witches? Or magic? And how do you avoid the cliche ‘witch’ or fantasy creature that are all over the publishing world today? 

The Contest

Day 9 – October Writing Contest                                                                                 Photo Credit : http://pinterest.com/pin/190136415488813133/

Join the Fun!

The Haunting October Short Story Extravaganza

All you have to do is:

  1. Use the photo to break through the surface and give you echoes of a story
  2. Write a smashing hauntingly amazing short story.
  3. When you finish the story, send it to Devin at devinberglund (at) live (dot) com.
  4.  And the winners will win something and don’t worry – I think up awesome surprises. :)
  5. Are you ready to join us in this journey??

To see the winners from last year, check out these links.

Emily Kunkel – The Farmhouse 
Abigail Anderson – The Monster Inside of Me

Everyday I will upload a new hauntingly beautiful, slightly creepy, and enchanting photograph to my facebook page for your inspiration. Please check it everyday and see if you are prompted to write a short story that has something to do with the photo you picked. It doesn’t have to be word for word what you see – it just has to be creative and creepy since October is the month of Halloween.

I really enjoyed this last year! Once you have written it you may send it to my email with the Subject Box filled in as “Short Story Extravaganza” You have the whole month of October to do this. Have fun!!

Day 4 of Writing Contest!!! What is the story here?

 

How to take part in this writing contest!

Rules:

  1. Every day in October I will be uploading a new picture into this file on pinterest and also on my facebook page. (and if you don’t have either of the two sites… get them, you will be thankful
  2. For each day when a new picture is put out you can pic out a picture and write a short story if the muse gets your inspired.
  3.  And then send it to me at devinberglund (at) live (dot) com and you could win a prize!!

Deadline: End of October! :)

Check out pinterest file with pictures!

Beach Day and the Blog Hop Give-away!

A lovely way to end a Aussie Day… :)

Sorry that I haven’t posted in the past few days! My sister, boyfriend, and I have been keeping busy! Yesterday we had a blast – we went to the beach “Mooloolaba” Moo-Loo-Lah-Bah (and let me tell you that name is really hard to pronounce – Cassidy had a tough time saying it as well… It was nice to know that I wasn’t the only one! As soon as we got to the beach we started putting sunscreen on so we wouldn’t get burnt, but right as I was rubbing some on my leg. My boyfriend grabbed me from behind and he ran while pulling me into the ocean. Let’s just say that it was absolutely cold and I was screaming and shivering! I was so cold… but it wasn’t so bad after your legs went numb. I guess it’s the ocean in the winter.

Beautiful Mooloolaba!

Then later we went to a friends house and had a bonfire. Music was playing in the distance and two of our friends were twirling fire. One blew fire as well. It was really Australian. One of our friends taught my sister how to twirl fire for the first time (We will upload a video later!). Then we played games. So, overall it was a nice Aussie chill night! :) Very relaxing evening filled with fire, friends, food, marshmallows, music, and games.

My Beautiful Sister!

I want to say thank you to everyone who signed up for my book giveaway contest and that I will draw the winner sometime this coming week! :) So keep coming back to check if you won! Oh and by the way also keep your eyes peeled for more opportunities for more giveaways.

Until next time,

Devin

Rushing waves hitting the rocks! :)

Quick update: Check out my guest post on “Seriously Write” Blog!

Hello Everyone, This is just a quick little update. I have not been able to put up a longer blog post in a few days because I have been really busy amidst everything happening over here. My sister came to visit me 3 days ago and her baggage got lost. We still haven’t gotten it yet! ARGH… I hate when that happens!!! Tomorrow my sister, boyfriend and, I are going to the Wednesday Market. I have been writing a lot the past few days. I have been tackling the creative beast of my novel in a different attack form… I have been writing by hand… and am almost done with my first notebook! I’ve found that my creative juices are running more crazily! It’s an exciting thing. Be sure to sign up for my give-away for the Blog Hop I am participating in (It’s good til the 27th! So, you can still sign up!!)

I got to be a guest blogger for the writing blog “Seriously Write”! :) Check it out and I hope you enjoy it!
http://seriouslywrite.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/how-to-get-inspired-in-less-than.html

I promise I will update you tomorrow sometime! Hope you are all doing wonderful!!!

How about you? Have you ever lost your luggage while traveling? Also when you are writing, do you ever write by hand instead of using your computer?