Critique My Pitch

I’m participating in a pitch contest! :) Whether you are a part of this contest or not please feel free to read it and let me know what you think about it! I have two listed below… they are both for the same story… so, let me know what you think… what you like… what you think works or what would work better! Thank you!

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Dear Agent,

When an evil witch deceives young men and manipulates them to do her will, the king calls on Dustin. The talented young orphaned warrior sets out to protect the king’s unborn grand-children, whose hearts would make the witch undefeatable. On his journey to find the king’s daughter, he is kidnapped by a stranger with a dark secret and together they are thrown into a game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grand-children and restore the land and it’s people.

My young adult novel The Mason of Hearts, will appeal to readers of both fantasy and paranormal. I hold a B.A. in English/Mass Communications and a Certificate in Publishing. I have a good online presence and founded a writing blog for writers called Blue Monkey Writing and have also guest blogged for “Write It Sideways”, “Writing Forward”, and countless other writing blogs.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Thank You,

Devin Berglund

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2nd pitch (same story)

Dear Agent,

The king calls upon Dustin, a young, orphaned warrior to protect his unborn grandchildren, as an evil witch manipulates and deceives young men-one of whom, is Dustin’s long-lost brother. The king’s unborn grand-children’s hearts would make the witch undefeatable. Dustin is captured by a stranger with a dark secret – an unlikely bond forms between the two as they enter a game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grandchildren and to restore a lost kingdom to its people.

My young adult novel The Mason of Hearts, will appeal to readers of both fantasy and paranormal. I hold a B.A. in English/Mass Communications and a Certificate in Publishing. I have a good online presence and founded a writing blog for writers called Blue Monkey Writing and have also guest blogged for “Write It Sideways”, “Writing Forward”, and countless other writing blogs.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Thank You,

Devin Berglund

The Collectibles

The Collectibles

by: Devin Berglund
Four were still needed to complete his collection. He had already collected a few. They looked at him from on top of his desk. He gently tapped each of them on the head with his crooked finger. Their heads bobbed back and forth to life until they weren’t moving anymore. He laughed and grabbed his white phantom mask and his black cape before leaving the house.
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Earlier Adriana, Justice, and I helped Mom string the fake cobwebs from one side of the room to the other, but some had to be real, because this house had been vacant for a long time. The wooden steps creaked as I made my way down the stairs. The Jack-O’lantern in front of the door reminded me of my last Halloween Party many years ago. One could barely compare it to this party though because my last one was a 5th grade party in our classroom where three of my classmates came wearing the same costume as me.

Most of my childhood memories were of playing with kids we had just met in RV parks and studying on the road. I think that is why Dad decided to have a Halloween themed house warming party. He felt it would be an exciting event for us. He was right, but I think he felt bad we hadn’t had the pleasure of slumber parties with friends and school plays like most other children had. My cat sneaked up and rubbed her head on my leg while looking at me before disappearing down the steps.

I looked over the banister and tip toed down the rest of the steps into the music room where Adriana’s harp and Justice’s guitar sat in one corner. Mom had placed some new furniture in the other corner just to make sure that people wouldn’t think our house was empty. The pumpkin pie scented candles flickered. Where did everyone go? I asked myself. Suddenly loud music started drumming through the door leading to the backyard patio.

Oh, maybe they are outside. I answer my own question. My high-heel shoes clink on the wooden floor as I reach the kitchen. A knock came from the front door.

“I’m coming.” I pulled the door open to find a tall slender man with a black cane in his right hand. He resembled the Phantom of the Opera with a black cape, white gloves, and a matching mask.

“Uhh, hi!”

“Hello Tessa! How have you been” his voice was deep. He leaned in while speaking to me.

“Hi…uhh, good…” I tried to hide the uncomfortable feeling that was rising inside of me, so I bit my lip.

“Who are you?” I cocked my head to the side. His eyes were surrounded by the darkness inside his mask.

“I was the music and choir teacher at Lake County Middle School. Your brother attended many of my classes.” He offered his hand for me to shake. The hair on the back of my neck stood up straight. I was experiencing the same instinctive feeling that I imagined the cave men in my history book had felt when a saber-tooth tiger stalked them. Fight or Flight. I shook his hand. He gripped my hand tightly while smiling, and didn’t let go.

“Yes, that sounds a lot like Justice.” I said while shaking his hand awkwardly. I resisted the urge to rip my hand from his clutches and slam the door in his face. I need to be polite, but something is strange with this man, I need to find everyone else.

“Speaking of which, I need to go find him and my sister.” Chills crawled up my spine as he let go of my hand.

“But it was nice meeting you again. I think they’re on the patio.” I smiled while pointing towards the door. I heard him behind me as I slid the patio door open, my cat ran out.

I escaped to the patio after my cat while covering my eyes from the blazing torches on the edge of the grass. The music was blaring so loudly, that my ear drums were ringing. I hit the power button as silence filled the patio.

“How can you all stand the music this loud?” I said as everyone sat around the table quietly as though they didn’t hear me. I recognized my mom in her Cruella de Vill costume, but something was wrong with her face. Her mouth was gaping open, her cheeks were hallow under her skin. Her eyes were blood-shot and her skin was pale and it wasn’t from the make-up on her face. I ran up to my mother and set my head on her chest.

No heart beat.

“Mom! Come on, you can’t do this to me!” All the others around the table had the same sullen and frightened look on their faces. I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye. No one was moving. Who are all these people, I wondered while I backed away from the table. Someone did this to them. Where is everyone else? I looked around for the Phantom, but he was no where to be seen. I thought he followed me out here.

My heart pounded faster. It felt like the world was shrinking around me, entrapping me like a snowman in a snow-globe. I couldn’t see anyone moving or hiding in the trees, but as I turned my head I saw a shadow run across the yard toward the garden shed – it was my cat. I jumped when I heard the steps creak and ran toward the shed where my cat was sitting.

“Kitty, Kitty…” I called. My cat would have usually responded when I called her, but she didn’t. Instead she sat there with her fur on end, while oddly purring calmly. Her tail went slowly back and forth without shifting her tranced stare from the second storey bedroom window.

“Psst…” a quiet voice from behind the shed called to me. I turned to see who it was.

“Jason? Is that you?” I remembered him, but his face had changed a lot since the last time I had seen him. He became my first crush when he helped me hide my string-beans in my milk container at the cafeteria for lunch.

“Yes, it is me. Come here!”

“What is going on?” I kicked off my high heel shoes and ran toward him, “Do you know where my brother and sister are?”

“No, but someone here can not be trusted.”

“Do you know who?”

“Not really, but he had a white mask and gloves.”

I gasped as the face of the Phantom came to my mind. He was the last person I had spoken to and fit Jason’s description perfectly.

“So what are we going to do now?”

“Escape?”

“What about my brother and sister?”

“They probably already escaped with some of the other people, while I hid here.”

“Do you know what happened?”

“Just a little. I hid to see what was happening, and wish I hadn’t seen it. The Phantom was back here. When he lifted his cane, everyone around the table screamed, but it was covered with the blaring music.”

The patio’s door slid open as I hid behind the shed with Jason. I peeked out and saw the Phantom. He walked to the table and chuckled at the people. He started humming to himself and turned to look the other way. Jason and I ran to another clump of trees when all of a sudden pain shot through my legs and I couldn’t move them anymore. Jason grabbed one of his legs too.

“I can’t move.” He whispered.

“I know… I can’t either.” I felt like I was running in a nightmare, but couldn’t get away from the evil that was chasing me. I peeked to see if the Phantom was still on the patio.

“He was no longer there!” I gasped, “Where did he go?”

“Right here, dearie.” A hauntingly familiar voice responded as I looked back at Jason, who was now in the Phantom’s arms. His white gloved hand covered Jason’s mouth muffling his screams.

“Oh silence.” The man spoke.

“What do you want?”

“You… Tessa. All of you kids.” He stretched his cane out towards me, my head spun. Everything around me became larger. I must have been thrown into my snow-globe after all.

****
His collection was finally complete.

“It’s a pity you don’t know how talented you are.” He spoke to them.

But the time would come for them to know their destiny, but for now they were mere collectibles that sat on his desk approving his future plans whenever he’d bobble their heads. When he’d need them, he’d call on them and they would obey.

© 2012 Devin Berglund 

6-Word-Story Contest

For sale: baby shoesnever worn.

Hemingway was known for this 6-word-story of his. When I thought about this, I kind of thought it would be hard to actually come up with 6 words that actually tell a story well. I held a contest on my facebook page, and actually had a great turnout for participants – but was only able to share some of them with you below. Please list your favorites below!

Just for kicks I will share with you a picture that my dad sent me via text and a 6-word-story that I wrote for this picture. My Dad was outside near the ditch by our house and these two little rowdy, rude little raccoons were hissing and growling at him. He told me he didn’t want to be too close, because Momma was no where to be seen.
“Baby Raccoons. Alone. Where is Mom?”

Kevin Olson:

  1. Man seeks locksmith.  Heart won’t open.
  2. The executioner whistled while he worked.
  1. My parents.
    Their pain.
    My wounds.
  2. I eat.
    Throw up.
    Start again.

Stephanie Pazicni Karfelt:

  1. Happily Ever After.  The End.  Not.
  1. Small White Dog, Found on Road.
 What about you? Which of these are your favorites? And, do you have any favorites written by other writers? Please be free to share! :)

Battle of the Pages! Please like these pages! Show some chaos pride! :)

If you haven't liked my facebook writing page!!! PLEASE LIKE IT! :)

This is a screen shot of my facebook writing page. I am going to post an excerpt on it when I reach 130 likes. Help us get up in the likes, because when we get to 150 likes, I will be announcing a contest to win some prizes! :)

Today I have been extremely busy! I am new to the marketing stuff, so I set up my pages that I had made awhile ago!

Here are my pages:

My Writing Page: https://www.facebook.com/WritingIsMyLife.Devin.Berglund

Australian Edition: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Australia-Edition-Name-being-worked-on/199729266746942

New Branch of the Journey: https://www.facebook.com/NewBranchoftheJourney

Sunbeam Publishing: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sunbeam-Publishing/262221860458064
This is the publishing company this published “New Branch of the Journey” and will publish the “Australian Edition”