I’m participating in a pitch contest! :) Whether you are a part of this contest or not please feel free to read it and let me know what you think about it! I have two listed below… they are both for the same story… so, let me know what you think… what you like… what you think works or what would work better! Thank you!
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Dear Agent,
When an evil witch deceives young men and manipulates them to do her will, the king calls on Dustin. The talented young orphaned warrior sets out to protect the king’s unborn grand-children, whose hearts would make the witch undefeatable. On his journey to find the king’s daughter, he is kidnapped by a stranger with a dark secret and together they are thrown into a game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grand-children and restore the land and it’s people.
My young adult novel The Mason of Hearts, will appeal to readers of both fantasy and paranormal. I hold a B.A. in English/Mass Communications and a Certificate in Publishing. I have a good online presence and founded a writing blog for writers called Blue Monkey Writing and have also guest blogged for “Write It Sideways”, “Writing Forward”, and countless other writing blogs.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
Thank You,
Devin Berglund
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2nd pitch (same story)
Dear Agent,
The king calls upon Dustin, a young, orphaned warrior to protect his unborn grandchildren, as an evil witch manipulates and deceives young men-one of whom, is Dustin’s long-lost brother. The king’s unborn grand-children’s hearts would make the witch undefeatable. Dustin is captured by a stranger with a dark secret – an unlikely bond forms between the two as they enter a game of hide-n-seek with life and death to protect the king’s grandchildren and to restore a lost kingdom to its people.
My young adult novel The Mason of Hearts, will appeal to readers of both fantasy and paranormal. I hold a B.A. in English/Mass Communications and a Certificate in Publishing. I have a good online presence and founded a writing blog for writers called Blue Monkey Writing and have also guest blogged for “Write It Sideways”, “Writing Forward”, and countless other writing blogs.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
Thank You,
Devin Berglund
Devin Berglund 
Pitch 1 I like very much. Pitch 2 left me with too many unanswered questions, like why did the king call on Dustin? Good luck!
Thanks for your honest thoughts. :)
I have a better sense of the story with the second pitch. Good luck!
Thank you… :)
I’m with Rebeca- the second gives us more info which leads to more questions which leads to me wanting to read the book.
A couple notes- I noticed you wrote grandchildren and grand-children. The hyphen can get pitched.
Young orphaned warrior. Intriguing, but I think you can also eliminate young or just write x-year old Dustin an orhpahed warrior. When I see young and orphan I think YOUNG so better to be more clear.
Hide and seek with death is a great descriptor!
Lastly- maybe combine the reason the grandchildren are important (from pitch one) into your last sent.
A little more polish and I think you’re golden!
Good idea about getting rid of “Young”. It does make him sound too young. Glad you like the Hide and seek with life and death part. :)
Hi Devin! Thanks for participating. :)
First, you realize what you’ve written is a query and not a standard pitch? You can certainly use your pitch as part of your query! I just wanted to make sure you understood the difference. :)
As for your pitches, they both need a bit of tightening. Rather then stringing together several adjectives, choose one that has a KAPOW factor. I combined your ideas below and gave you a little template to help you with your third sentence.
When a maleficent witch stalks/kidnaps King(his name)’s daughter, he calls upon the help of Dustin, an orphaned warrior and the bravest in his kingdom. During Dustin’s quest to find the princess, a stranger with a dark secret captures him and an unlikely bond forms between them. But XXX happens and Dustin must XXX to restore the land to its people or XXX will happen.
Thank you muchly for your insight! :) I will go back over it and tighten it. :)
Hi Devin,
I think you have a great pitch here (inside your query letters). I prefer the second one for the main reason that you mention Dustin’s brother being seduced by the witch’s charms. This helps me to understand the stakes for Dustin. Two things I would change in the first pitch: the last line, change it’s to its, and also change grand-children to as you have it in your second, grandchildren. Overall, your book sounds interesting and your pitches tell about the story very well.
Thank you for your help and kind words! I am glad that my book sounds interesting! :)
Hi Devin,
I agree with others that the second pitch is the stronger of the two. I also like Heather’s revision suggestions. One other thing I’d add–currently, it reads like a fairly standard fairy tale/quest story. I’m wondering if there is something unique about the voice, world, or characters that you could pull out in your pitch? Either in the way it’s written (voice) or in some kind of element that would make it really stand out? I’d love to see you pull out something that would really catch my eye and show the story’s uniqueness!
Thank you for pointing out the idea of pulling out something that will make it stand out. Currently trying to think up some things that would bring it out and catch ones eyes with the uniqueness! Thank you again for your help! :)
I think Heather’s suggested rewrite was awesome and I agree with GB that you need to infuse some voice to make your pitch more “you”. Nice ick factor with the unborn baby hearts.”shudders”.
Thank you. I will go back over it. hehe… thanks I am glad it gives an ick factor. :) That’s what I was aiming for!
You’ve received great advice, I just wanted to let you know I REALLY want to read your book!
Aw! Thank you! I am glad that you would like to read my book! It means a lot to me!! :D Thanks again!!!
I came in too late, good advice from everyone. Heather really puts things in perspective. Look forward to reading the final.